Thresher Blades and Tractor Burn
by Jello Ink
Summary: The FF8 crew lands a job doing a commercial for farm safety in Alberta. It's in Canada. It's a country!


Farm Safety The FF8 Way! See children, this is why you shouldn't watch those farm safety warning/commercials on the CBC. Oh, and stay away from threshers while you're at it.  
  
Disclaimer: The CBC, Square, the Simpsons, and those farm safety commercials own everything.  
  
Author's very very important note if you want to understand: IN THIS FIC, FOR THE PURPOSE OF THE AUTHOR NOT EXPLAINING EVERYTHING TO DEATH, THE FF8 GANG ARE FROM THE U.S. Thank you.  
  
~*~  
  
It was a sunny day in a field just outside Edmonton. The sky was a deep blue and the wheat stretched lazily toward the sky, fluttering slightly in a breeze.  
  
  
  
"Yes that's all very well and good, but what's this 'Edmonton' you've supposedly dropped us in?" Rinoa's voice pierced any down home image there might have been. She was speaking into a cell phone, presumably to her agent.   
  
  
  
"It's a city, Rinoa."   
  
  
  
"......"  
  
  
  
"In Alberta."  
  
  
  
"What?"  
  
  
  
"It's in Canada."  
  
  
  
"......"  
  
  
  
"It's a country! Look Rinoa, you and the gang are doing a farm safety commercial for the CBC."  
  
  
  
"Is that like the BBC?"  
  
  
  
"Yes, they're into kissing the Queen Mum's royal ass too. I think they consider themselves a sort of sister company to the BBC."  
  
  
  
"What's the BBC consider them as?"  
  
  
  
"The reason they should have said to hell with it and let France have the country." He then encouraged Rinoa to just act natural and talk about why kids shouldn't stick their arms in threshers, crawl under tractors, or try to swim in the silo. When she was about to protest, he reminded her exactly who convinced the FF8 crew to bet all their money on black six, back on their recent trip to Vegas.  
  
  
  
"Oh, all riiiight. Geez, you're such a meanie!" She hung up the phone and turned to her friends. "Carlyle says we're doing a farm safety commercial for this thing called the CBC. Apparently we're in Alberta."  
  
  
  
"Wha?" said Zell, Quistis, Squall (who added 'ever'), Irvine, Selphie and Seifer.  
  
  
  
"It's in Canada." The group looked at her blankly. "It's a country! Look you guys, let's just make some stuff up and get the hell out of this place!"  
  
  
  
  
"Wow! Farm safety is like, so important!" gushed Selphie. "Back at the orphanage, Irvine kept sticking his arm under the spade in the garden! We so should have had those commercials back then, and TV, and those little gumballs, you know the ones where..." Irvine interrupted her, blushing profusely.  
  
  
  
"Umm, maybe we should start...hey camera dude? You ready?"  
  
  
  
"Ready as ever, eh?" The camera guy pushed some buttons and fooled around with the lens until he was satisfied. He nodded and counted down to three, holding up the appropriate amount of fingers as well.  
  
  
  
"Hi everyone! I'm Rinoa, this is Quistis..." The blonde nodded and graced the world with a half smile. "Selphie..." She jumped up and down happily. "Zell..." The martial artist gave the peace sign to the camera."Squall..." Squall turned three somersaults and landed on his feet, spreading his arms."Irvine..." Irvine winked. "And last, most often considered least...Seifer." Seifer slapped Rinoa's ass. Squall didn't seem to notice.  
  
  
  
"Today we're, like, going to talk about farm safety! Rule number one! Never never try to play in a silo! What the..? Irvine get the hell out of there! @%$#!" Selphie quickly climbed the silo ladder and grabbed hold of Irvine's feet. He was covered in grain dust and coughing up what he had swallowed while trying to breath under all the grain when he finally resurfaced. "And that's why you don't go in siloes you moron! You'll drown in the grain!" She slapped Irvine upside the head. A cloud of dust rose from him and her palm print stayed, marked fresh in the filth of him.  
  
  
  
"Rule number two. Please, kids, for your own safety, stay away from threshers! The turning blades can leave you without a limb! Squall...what are you doing? Oh stop being such a ham, this is not the time to become extroverted." Quistis sighed as Squall was turning somersaults in the background, doing cartwheels, and generally making an ass of himself. Suddenly he vaulted onto the bar just above the turning blades of the thresher. "SQUALL! NO!" But it was too late. Quistis's shouting frightened Squall and he fell into the unmerciful blades of the thresher. When Quistis dared look again he was lying beside the machine, screaming and looking at the two stubs that were the remainder of his arms.   
  
  
  
Seifer moved in on him, pointing like that Nelson kid from the Simpsons. "Haha!"  
  
  
  
Quistis shoved him aside and cast a cure spell. The bleeding from his stumps stopped immediately, and suddenly a passing car screeched to a stop beside them. A guy in a tuxedo with his hair in a ponytail jumped out and made a frame with his hands around Squall.  
  
  
  
"Perfect! You're perfect!" He whipped out a cell phone and dialed a number. "Frankie, dahling, I just found the new War-Amps spokesman! Yes! Yes! Ta!" He pocketed the cell phone after turning it off (don't waste energy kids), and grabbed Squall by his head. He dragged him into the car he'd jumped from so abruptly and drove of with a scream of his tires.  
  
  
  
"Rule number three," stated Zell, reading from a pamphlet, "Never ever crawl under a tractor, even if it's not turned on...Tractors get turned on? Woah, another thing Irvine can hit on! What? Oh, the rules, right. You could get run over and go splat! But don't bug your daddy's mechanic with these rules while he's working on it, or he'll charge daddy more." Rinoa climbed up into the seat of a tractor, and put on a farmer-type hat. She winked in an exaggerated way for the camera's benefit, and started it up.  
  
  
  
"Hey! No! Don't," cried a muffled voice from under the tractor. "Ahhhhhh!" Unfortunately no one heard it over the engine and Rinoa was a loooong ways away on her jolly ride before she noticed Seifer's trench coat caught on an axle. Even more unfortunately, Seifer was still in it. The tractor ground to a screeching stop, causing Seifer to be dragged under the wheels. Soon his screams intensified. The wheels had run over Seifer's groin.   
  
  
  
He was still screaming in agony as the group managed to lift the tractor off of poor Seifer's not-a-good-place-to-have-a-tractor-run-over. Then Zell 'accidentally' dropped his side about three times back on the battered Seifer.   
  
  
  
"Going to kill...you...Chickenwuss...soon...as...I...can...walk...again..." When the paramedics arrived, they informed Seifer that he might never be able to *ahem* fornicate again. Quistis was visibly disappointed.   
  
  
  
"So children, BEFORE you put your hand in that thresher, think. Do you want to make millions as a War-Amp spokesperson? And before you dive in that silo, think. Do you really want to be slapped by a chick as hot as Selphie?" Here Irvine was slapped again by said 'chick'. "And before you crawl under that tractor, think. Do you want to be able to sue some airhead like Rinoa for damaging a very important part of you? I think not. So make the right choices children of Afghanistan!" Selphie punched him in the stomach.  
  
  
  
"We're in Ca-nee-da-a...-a...whatever!" Irvine groaned, and slapped his forehead at screwing up his line.  
  
  
  
"Dammit! Stupid teleprompter..." he grumbled. Rinoa picked up her cell phone again and called her agent.   
  
  
  
"Yeah, hi, we want out! We've done our bit, now get us the hell out of this...this Canada!" She caught the cameraman smiling at her. "These people, they're all so...so *friendly* Ugh! And the streets! Not nearly enough litter and not one Hyne forsaken crack pipe or syringe!" She paused, and snarled at the cameraman, "What's up with YOU?"  
  
  
  
The agent had a jet flown in from Tahiti, with special pineapple scented seats, and the SeeDs rode in comfort back to their hometown of Los Angelos.   
  
  
  
Epilogue~  
  
  
Selphie- Has slapped Irvine 3200 times and counting. He likes it.  
  
Irvine- Has been slapped and likes it. Had operation to remove grain dust from his lungs, where it had welded itself into a shell.  
  
Squall- Raked in $2 million doing cameo on Hollywood Squares.  
  
Rinoa- Sued by Seifer for a large sum. Her daddy paid and she currently lives shacked up with her agent.  
  
Seifer- Eventually recovered and regained all use of injured area. Currently living in a studio apartment with Quistis.  
  
Quistis- Lives in apartment with Seifer. Has painted many many disturbing representations of an armless Squall.  
  
Zell- Had his ass kicked by Seifer, is currently under witness protection after seeing mob boss extort money from a bag lady on Whyte Ave. 


End file.
